Professional Self-Saboteur

Letting my neurotic self take control at 6 am in the morning seems infeasible considering I have a class to attend to at 10 a.m. Yet here I am. Giving myself to you all bare and vulnerable. Completely ignoring the promise I had made to myself not to be like so after what had happened before.

I have infinitely considered pulling an all-nighter to be a big no for me.

My head are always consumed by the pure cosmic chaos that is my delusional thoughts when I am left to my own devices; loneliness. It simply scratches the walls of my brain with irrational hunger. Struggling to get themselves out as much as I have tried locking them inside this little room I call my mind. I am aware that the more that I shut them all in this one little room, the possibility that one day the little room may explode is simply inevitable. But with my devilishly opinionated self, it is impossible to keep these raging thoughts at bay.

I had let the thoughts of one of my failures consume me tonight. A failure that I am unsure was kindled by myself or them. Though I know I am not at fault for the outcome, was it still my fault that it had all happened still? Had it been me all along? I knew that it was my mistake to have willingly opened up a door to a snake that was slithering in with that dark hiss and glistening exterior; which one would deem beautiful, charming. But was it truly I who had ruined what could have happened?

The more that I try to find the blame in myself for what had concluded that fateful morning, the more that I realise I had done what was supposed to be finalised all along and that it was indeed the right thing. It was good riddance. I had been trailing on this tightrope for almost a year and ultimately it felt good to jump off it forevermore and live my life as I should be with no more hesitation haunting my very flesh.

I have solidified my damning career as a professional self-saboteur when I turned 11. It was when things started to get arduous for me as I had let the voices in my head carried me to the very edge of my mind, waiting for me to jump into the void of literal nothingness. Tonight I have reached that point again. A point of nothingness. A dot.